Three-Hundred and Thirty-Three Things I'm Thankful For

Things I am thankful for.  Yes.

1. My living body
2. Tampons
3. Divorce
4. Tammy Wynette
5. The feminist movement, for making divorce and Tammy Wynette OK
6. All the people who make me laugh
7. Pinot Grigio (for now)
8. Parents who love their children
9. Clutter
10. The handle grips on bicycle handlebars
11. Mustard Seeds
12. Equestrian police officers
13. Junior Mints
14. Cotton underwear WITH ELASTIC BANDS!
15. Nudity
16. "I Heart..." phrases
17. Spinal fluid
18. Running shoes
19. Geniuses
20. That asshole who invented killer bees, for showing us how stupid we really are
21. Dichroic glass
22. Whirling Dirvishes
23. Salvador Dali
24. Questions
25. Answers
26. The Wizard of Oz
27. Bubbles!
28. Photographic Technology
29. Kites
30. The letter V (it feels so good to say)
31. MySpace (tough to admit, but just think about all the passive aggression and vain satisfaction we would miss out on!)
32. Goat cheese
33. Humor, American and otherwise
34. X-ray
35. Gary Carter, Orthopedic Technician
36. Lambskin Condoms
37. Percussion instruments
38. Optical cable
39. Grandmothers
40. The Bedazzler
41. Paper
42. Colors
43. Water
44. Fire
45. Poetic justice
46. The DJ
47. Incubators
48. Ativan
49. Marshmallows
50. A woman's right to choose (before the third trimester, at least)

51. Apollo
52. Dionysus
53. Melody
54. Potassium
55. Sodium
56. Ecstasy (spiritual, etc.)
57. Hops
58. Barley
59. Malt
60. Wheat
61. You get the idea
62. Beer
63. Beer
64. Beer
63. Guttural laughter
64. Pirates
65. Astrology
66. Poofball fungi
67. Walt Disney
68. Coat hangers
69. Surprises
70. Minutae
71. Peep shows
72. The VFW Halls of America
73. The coagulative properties of blood
74. Sunglasses
75. Writers
76. Especially Roald Dahl
77. Decisions
78. Beds
79. Skin
80. Lullabies
81. The sounds of the piano
82. Teachers
83. Yin
84. Yang, I guess
85. Rubber cement
86. Grass
87. Self-adhesive envelopes
86. Optical illusions
87. Tits
88. Extra anything
89. Worms, all varieties except intestinal parasites
90. File drawers
91. Springs
92. Hot chocolate
93. Coin purses
94. Statues
95. Gay marriage
96. Curly hair
97. Extremism
98. Non-violent resistance
99. Cranberry Juice
100. New York City

101. Fingernails
102. Jellyfish
103. Monistat 7
104. Chemistry
105. Indoor plumbing
106. Sisters
107. The Art of Noise
108. Small towns
109. Genuine kindness
110. Hookers (the world would be much less peaceful without them)
111. Bread
112. Renewable fuels
113. Biodiesel
114. Stanley Kubrick
115. Dreams
116. Buttons
117. Coyote, the Geology Museum Docent in Boise, ID
118. The printing press
119. Automatic billing
120. Memory
121. German witch balls
122. Naps
123. Trees
124. Stephen Colbert's speech at the 2006 White House Press Correspondent's Dinner
125. YouTube
126. People who don't care what other people think of them
127. The vomit reflex
128. Pooper scoopers
129. Gospel
130. Dancing
131. Pillows
132. Windowscreens
133. Soap
134. High hopes
135. Mourning Doves
136. Voices
137. Moments where everything comes into focus and the future seems a little less difficult, for a moment
138. Optimists
139. Cynics (trust no one, love thyself)
140. Jack o'lanterns
141. Synchronized swimming
142. I Love Lucy
143. Tim Burton
144. Big ideas
145. Loose change
146. Microscopes
147. Ol' Blue Eyes
148. Target
149. Heat waves
150. Dopamine

151. The past
152. Trains
153. Bellies
154. Mascara
155. Animal (the Muppet)
156. Plankton
157. Bioilluminescence
158. The wheel
159. Maria
160. Big Sur
161. Panthers
162. Forgiveness
163. Scotch Tape
164. Goofballs
165. Cutlery
166. Hydroelectric power
167. Illustration
168. Good luck
169. Morning glories
170. Fireworks
171. Clay
172. Bicycles
173. Language
174. The Internet
175. Death
176. Pre-natal care
177. Slinky, it's slinky, for fun it's a wonderful toy...
178. wool-cashmere blends
179. NatraCare organic unbleached cotton feminine products
180. Wernicke's area
181. Oil pastels
182. That Russian surfer shoe-repairman in Manhattan
183. Band-aids
184. The Smurfs
185. Nate Dogg
186. Batteries
187. Al Gore
188. Pliers
189. That homeless guy who had a house-on-wheels set up on his bicycle, with an elevated, carpeted seat for his cat
190. My teeth, tongue, lips, and jaw
191. Clowns, all sorts
192. Structural integrity
193. Floodlights
194. Ibuprofen
195. Teeter-totters
196. Drinky poos
197. Qwerty
198. Common decency
199. Poodle butts
200. Mnemonic devices

201. High School, mostly
202. Brau-burners
203. Crawdads
204. Petran Bridges, hospitality staff at the clubhouse of the Audubon Park golf course in New Orleans, LA
205. Mushroom spore-prints
206. The Royal Barracks
207. My sofa
208. Crankpots
209. Clove cigarettes
210. Red
211. Brazilian BBQ
212. The hero's journey
213. Chalkboards
214. Vibrations
215. My Sony Ericsson w600i
216. People who don't spit in public
217. Cloudscapes
218. My kidneys
219. Ctrl + Alt + Delete
220. Wikipedia
221. Homeostasis
222. Freebies
223. Peacocks
224. KCRW
225. Baseball
226. Men's butts
227. Day hikes
228. Nature boys
229. Upside down-ness
230. Public transportation
231. Girls who dress nice and pretty
232. Erasers
234. Crash test dummies
235. Foresight
236. Sex
237. Sneakers
238. Nighttime
239. Eyes, especially brown ones
240. Giggles
241. Vitamins
242. The parts that make you say "oh my god"
243. The infinitesimal reflective room
244. Jumbo's
245. Vantha
246. The Yellow Pages
247. Castles
248. Clarity
249. People who buy art
250. Crank calls

251. Electric light bulbs
252. Aerobic respiration
253. Pliable joints
254. Vacation
255. Brazen women
256. Dirt
257. That new-fangled magic clamp wine bottle opener
258. Touch
259. Vinegar baths
260. Candles that smell like Christmas
261. Playing hookey
262. Crap fashion
263. Museums, sometimes
264. Tomato soup with grilled cheese sandwiches
265. Teacups
266. Convection ovens
267. People who "let you in"
268. Michael Jackson
269. "Save Picture As"
270. Green leafy vegetables
271. Tor House
272. Paved roads
273. People who like and/or collect unicorns and fairies
274. Origami!
275. Pornogami!
276. Courtesy clerks
277. Extra extra sharp cheddar cheese
278. Yerts
279. Beaded handbags
280. Honesty, used with discretion
281. The Pacific Nautilus
282. The new suture-glue
283. Advantage
284. Umbrellas
285. Digital media
286. Shoes
287. Storytellers
288. Post-Its
289. Meows and Kerowrs
290. Toothpaste
291. Chopsticks
292. Rolley Coasters
293. This mess we're in
294. Orange
295. A sign which reads "Please advise us if you desire the use of Nitrous Oxide!"
296. Spaghetti strainers
297. Water filtration systems
298. Chuck E's Sketch Book
299. Postcards
300. Desire

301. Dance Fever
302. National Parks
303. Magic
304. Soft things
305. Jiminey Cricket
306. The crash
307. Rebirth
308. Myth
309. Persistence
310. Really, really good food
311. That guy at the courthouse
312. Smart-aleck remarks
313. Nature television
314. Wrecking balls
315. The now
316. the word "cooter"
317. Square One
318. The Electric Company
319. School House Rock
320. Sesame Street
321. 3-2-1 Contact
322. The girl next door who sings at the top of her lungs, badly
323. People who give gifts for no reason
324. Mathematics
325. Freaks
326. Inline skates
327. Poets
328. Crossword puzzles
329. Dill pickles without pebbles in them
330. Edible panties
331. Black licorice
332. Overtures
333. You

Gross and Fun Cuts and Body Parts

A Vintage Post, retrieved from Scrubbed Innocence

This is an interview created by myself and conducted with myself. I invite you to copy and paste with your own responses as a comment.

What was the cause of your favorite scar?
I have a weird dot on my forehead from chickenpox at age 9. My mom bought be a Peaches 'n' Cream Barbie to make me feel better, so the scar reminds me of P'n'C.

What was the last thing you injected into your flesh?
Probably a Tetanus shot after I accidentally cut myself with a sword.

Why did you last bleed?
why do you think?

Have you ever chipped your tooth on someone elses body jewelry?
No. My own, once.

Who was the last person you punched, and why?
I think it was my 8-year-old nephew. We were boxing.

Recall the last person who hurt you. How did you hurt them back (or fantasize about hurting them)?
I can't tell you because it is probably illegal. I will tell you that it involves a broomstick and rock salt. It does NOT involve any orifices. Honestly.

What percentage of your brain is damaged by lesions resulting from drug use?
Nine.
Thousand.

Have you ever carved Slayer into your forearm?
No, but one of my elementary school classmates did.

Click to read more ...

Things Phil Says

"Mixing food with sex is all fun and games until you lose the hot dogs."

-- PvH

Survey Says: Lame Game

A vintage post retrieved from Scrubbed Innocence.

Addressing a survey from AnnaMorph. 

"Twenty-one Questions"  <---clever.

ONE. Spell your name without vowels.
None of your beeswax.

TWO.Are you single?:
I'm not pregnant, if that's what you mean.

THREE.How many pair of jeans do you own?:
Many. I have a nice bootay. These questions were written by an eight-year-old, weren't they?

FOUR.What color do you wear most?:
orange.

FIVE.Least favorite color?:
Navy bleu.

SIX.Last song you heard?:
The Dresden Dolls: Sing.

SEVEN.Where do you wish you were?
I can't tell you, but it involves sweat. [Anna Morph, regarding your comment, did you know that my great uncle was a mayor of Palermo? Perhaps you can channel his spirit. I know how you have a thing for dead people, and I'm sure he spoke the language of love... do Sicilians speak any other language?]

EIGHT.Are you happy with your life right now?
Yes and no. I'm happy with everything from my skin and inward, but the surrounding space could use a controlled burn, and then a rising from the ashes.

NINE.Anyone ever said you resemble a celebrity?
I used to get Claire Danes a lot, when I had red hair.

TEN.What is your favorite time in school?:
The time when the teacher does a banana dance and a sock puppet show.

ELEVENDo you shop at stores like Hollister, Abercrombie & ae?
I don't even know what these stores are. I hate shopping for clothes. I wish I never ever had to do it. I am SO grateful whenever people give me garments of any sort, and I will wear anything I am given, for these kind souls have saved me from what I consider one of the most torturous experiences of being female. There is NOTHing more annoying than trying to fit into some standard-sized piece of cloth and having an 18-year-old OC brat looking over your shoulder in the mirror going "OH that looks so KEY-OOT on you, ohmygod, it looks really GRAYt." You know what I think would look great? The look on my face if I never had to go clothes-shopping ever again. OR the look on that OC Brat's face when I say, "Yeah, it looks really nice how my aureolas peek out over this awesome neckline... what, you don't know what an aureola is???"

TWELVE.How do you make money?
I charge people twenty-five cents each time they look at me.

FOURTEEN.When do/did you start Summer Break?:
Huh?

FIFTEENAre you missing someone right now?:
um, yeah.

SIXTEEN.One word to describe you.
Supercalifragilisticexpialifuckindocious.

SEVENTEEN.Favorite pair of shoes?
A sweet pair of crushed-turquoise-velvet Chuck Taylor low-tops, which I wore almost every day from the age of 14-16. If you knew me then, you probably knew and touched my crushed blue Chucks, because I was always encouraging people to pet them, but you never had them up next to your ears, because I was so pure and virginal then. The shoes became too old and threadbare eventually, so at age 16 I traded them to Elizabeth Crummett in exchange for her Doc Martens, which I gave to Goodwill last year.

EIGHTEEN.Do you own big sunglasses?:
Just got some last week for purposes of incognito public transit.

NINETEEN.What would you rather be doing right now?
Curling up in a warm armpit.

TWENTY.What should you be doing right now? Whatever I want.

TWENTY-ONE.Do you have a crush on anyone?:
No, but there's someone I'd like to lift my leg to and piss on. There's someone whose eyeballs I would like to pluck and eat with a fork. There's someone who makes me want to bite my fingertips off and whose pheromonal scent makes my loins gush like they were age 15. There's someone whose existence lately often compels me to shout (silently, to myself), "Hey Mister-Hot-Funny-Fuck-Me-In-the-Morning-and-Joke-with-Me-at-Night-While-the-World-Bakes-In-A-Nuclear-Oven-and-Are-You-Going-To-Eat-That-Or-Can-I-Just-Lick-It-Off-Your-Face?-And-Please-Let-Me-Tear-Out-Your-Brains-And-Shove-Them-Up-My-Nostrils-and-In-My-Mouth-and-Down-My-Throat-Until-The-Gray-Brain-Stuff-Touches-Me-'There'... ...COULD YOU PLEASE _NOT_ turn out to be just another fuck?" ...Is that the same as having a crush? I don't really know.

Mimi is In the Hospital

A Vintage Post, retrieved from Scrubbed Innocence

Mimi is in the hospital. My grandma. The tartiest tart to ever eat Almond Roca or Ferraro Rocher (you can roll up the wrappers into ‘golden nuggets and string ‘em on a necklace… did you ever think o’ that, kid?!).

Mimi can be a real bitch at times. She has an unwavering sense of entitlement, yet she isn’t a woman of any great social status. She has never been rich—in fact, she’s been through 4 husbands and managed to end up with only government pennies. I can only imagine that the source of her snobbish attitude is her beauty—as a younger woman, Mildred was ssssssssmokin’ hot. So I’m sure most people, men especially, treated her in a certain worshipful way, which she became accustomed to. Her sex was her power. But now that she’s old and falling apart, and looks pretty much like everyone else, she ain’t so special anymore. If you don’t know her, that is.

Click to read more ...

Things Phil Says

"That ringing piece of plastic in your pocket will make you its new bitch."

-- PvH

Alarmed, or, Why Do People Get So Angry at Cement?

This was taken from my bedroom circa 2004.