Official 2010 Battlecat Voters' Guide

Welcome to the Official 2010
Battlecat Voters' Guide

A series of polite and effortfully researched advisements on the topics and personalities of the November 2010 General Election, by Battlecat Tonic Water, the cat.

Brought to you in part through a generous grant from the Phil & Noelle Foundation.
There are a couple things about elections in general, and this one specifically, that bear repeating before this Voter’s Guide enters your mind.

Firstly;

When I say “Vote,” I of course mean “continue to perpetuate the illusion that this Government is run by anybody other than the Federal Reserve and their international banking cohorts, by checking a box next to this enslaved and hollow little power-grubber’s name.”

Secondly;

Given the current state of affairs of this state, anybody who claims to actually want the job of “public servant” right now is either a liar, a corporate shill, or a rabid frothing latté.  Even if they “do everything right” everything will still get worse and stay that way for years -- people will hate them no matter what.  Hell, let’s presume any one of these candidates is a saint (I don’t know everything about them, but here’s a guarantee - ain’t none of ‘em  saints). They will still find themselves elected into an uncooperative nest of liars shills and other blended drinks better known as “other politicians" who will doggedly thwart their every saintly effort.      So I don’t recommend any politicians here, outside of a couple necessary ones - but I have a decided opinion about the Props, (skip to Props) because, hell, those are actually going to get done somehow.  Unless they haven’t gotten done in two years and another Prop repeals them.

Brave citizen!  Skim on for a series of op-ed blurbs regarding this year’s bruised fruit.  There’s a few gems California is offering this year, and with your help, we can buff ‘em into a nationally respectable shine.

BEGIN!

Mid-Term Election Guide
for the Terminally Lazy

1.  Vote straight down whatever partisan line you feel most affiliated with.
2.  You’re done.
3.  It is not customary to tip the poll-workers.

Mid-Term Election Guide
for the Comically Challenged

Aside from Democrats and Republicans, the 2010 ballot offers a smattering of always up and coming political parties.  Why not try on the Green Party this year?  Their candidate for Lt. Governor is listed as a “Cultural Spiritual Advisor”, and really, what else is a Lt. Governor?  Too bad they didn’t just come right out and say “Witch Doctor,” but that phrase has become unfortunately politicized in recent days.  [Editor’s Digression.  Politicized: verb - the act of rendering concrete and empirically provable facts debatable theory and opinion through the magic of politics.]

If the Greens sound too expensive - head on over to the Libertarians!  They don’t know what they want, but they know they don’t want it from you.  Unless you’re giving away guns.  Perhaps the concept of Liberty causes you acute anxiety.  “But, but but but what will I do??” you scream at the TV.  Take comfort friends, for yea verily: You are not alone!

Behold, the “American Independent Party!” Their independence doesn’t come from some abstract concept of liberty, it comes from a place you can trust: America.  Unlike all those other parties whose candidates could be from, well, you don’t fucking know, do you?  I mean, there are Republics in Africa, and you know where else there are Democrats?  Iraq.  Home of the We Totally Planned and Orchestrated 9/11 Celebration Committee.   With the American Independents, you know you’re not electing foreign nationals to public office, AND these people are NOT political insiders.  For Senator they are running a “Computer Store Owner.”  For Lt. Governor? A Real Estate Broker; and for Attorney General, an “Attorney/Real Estate Broker.”  (Think “Gil” from “The Simpsons”)  Then, my personal favorite, running for Secretary of State, is an “Aviator.”  So, he’s got...perspective, and, a mascot: his own pee in a mason jar.

Every party offers candidates with some relatively amusing “prior job experience” blurbs, but the clear runaway winner for comedy this election cycle is the “Peace and Freedom” party.

P&F’s Gubernatorial candidate is a “Retail Worker”, and why not?  Experience selling crap to people they don’t really want is a huge part of the gig.  P&F also features four retired people running for office, which is nice.  It’s good for them to have a hobby, y’know, something that gets them out of the house every once in a while so they have something to talk about when the TV reception gets spotty during bad weather.

While the “Peace and Freedom Party” will undoubtedly experience a small uptick in votes from idealistic stoners who showed up to support Prop 19, voting for anybody outside of the main two parties is generally considered “throwing your vote away.”  So I've made specific recommendations for the major races, but for things like “Insurance Commissioner,” I mean, what qualifications do you need?  Boringness?  And “Treasurer,” do they have any power? Do they just have to know how to count?  Casting a vote in favor of multi-partisanship probably won’t hurt anyone.

1.  STATE GOVERNOR: Jerry Brown

Although it may pain you like the first BM after a long bout of constipation, vote Jerry Brown for Governor.  I mean, Whitman wants to increase the retirement age.  It’s like she’s trying to lose, which might make her more sane, but dangerously so.  The only people who could be in favor of that are people who are already comfortably retired with their pensions in place.  So unless way more older people vote than younger...people... fuck.  We’re fucked.  Don’t let us be fucked.

2.  LIEUTENANT GOVERNOR: Gavin Newsom

Vote Gavin Newsom.  Also known as Mayor Handsome, this young buck has a penchant for business, charm, and state affairs. He is a Democrat.  He loves San Francisco and everything it contains and represents.  We hear he’d be running for Governor proper if it weren’t for some recent deal involving some kind of sex he did with someone he wasn’t supposed to.  If you don’t care for gays, marijuana, or wine that costs more than your rent, skip the polls -- just stay home and write a mean letter to Grape Nuts cereal for being so tiring to chew.

3. SECRETARY OF STATE: Debra Bowen

Vote Debra Bowen.  She has served as Secretary of State for California since 2007 and seems to be pretty much an adorable hippie nerd lady who really cares about elections being fair.  Especially when she wins them.  Or there’s always The Aviator, Merton Short!  Fun Facts: Mr. Short believes the Federal Reserve System is unlawful and unconstitutional, and he's BFFs with Ron Paul.

4. CONTROLLER:   Ross D. Frankel

The State Controller is the Bean Counter for the whole state.  Our Counter-of-Beans du jour is John Chiang. As a member of the Board of Equalization, he was one who took political donations from HP and then voted to excuse HP from certain tax-paying obligations.  He said the money had no bearing on his vote.  I say vote for somebody else.
Like how about this guy! Vote for Ross D. Frankel! If he’s half as good at state controlling as he is bad at public speaking, (See Video) we’ll all be commuting to work on the backs of giant  flying chickens, which we will then eat upon returning home, after checking the incubation temperatures in our giant flying chicken egg nests, which were provided to us by Ross D. Frankel.  As a further plus, if elected to a full time job, the chances you will bump into him on the street will decrease significantly.

5. TREASURER: Kit Crittenden

Our current treasurer, incumbent Bill Lockyer, is better known as the red-faced Gatekeeper to Emerald City in The Wizard of Oz.  Based solely on the photo he chose to use on his website, I’ve already had it with this guy, and I’m going to say Vote for Charles “Kit” Crittenden.  His website is so pervasively dull, I am fully confident he will be amazing at the thanklessly tiresome job of treasuring.

6.  ATTORNEY GENERAL: Kamala D. Harris

We actually KNOW a Deputy Attorney General of the State of California.  Personally.  And intimately, depending on your interpretation of that word. And based on this relationship, we can confirm that all attorneys are in fact supersmart nerdytoots who are just barely capable of existing with the general public, which in a way renders them better candidates for charting the course and direction of laws that affect us, since they are not actually one of us.  From high up in their clouds of technicalities, recently invented words, and skirt-suits with sneakers, they breathe new meaning into previously agreed upon meanings.  All with a sultry passion for dispassionate objectivity.  Their lurid neutrality is only matched by a sensuously detached attachment to billable hours, and they can usually only do it when they know the door is for sure locked. Vote for Kamala D. Harris, just don’t get all excited about it.

7.  INSURANCE COMMISSIONER: Bill Balderston

Imagine if Commissioner Gordon had been the Insurance Commissioner for Gotham City?  Well, he never would’ve met Batman, what with his job being more boring than boring as fuck.  He probably would have been the guy dealing with liability claims from businesses damaged during various super-hero escapades “Mr. Robeson, unless you can prove that your fruit cart was hit by the Batmobile, and not one of the pursuing officers’ cars, we cannot file this claim.”  Things like that.

Ok seriously though, whoever gets this office will deal with things like our health insurance issues.  After 53 seconds of searching (in internet time that is nearly 7 hours of library equivalent time) I could find no information on the Independent’s stance.  The Republican’s website has gray text with a white background, making me hate him.  Also he thinks that insurance fraud is a bigger problem than the insurance companies.  The Democrat wants to make the existing system better as opposed to overhauling it; the Libertarian has the same bullet points as the Republican; Peace and Freedom has a really dramatic stance: “eliminate the insurance industry entirely”; and that leaves me casting a Vote for Bill Balderston.   His website looks awful, leading me to believe he spends all his time working on making my life easier.

8.  MEMBER, STATE BOARD OF EQUALIZATION (4th District): Nancy Lawrence

What the fuck is this?  They decide who pays taxes.  This is the only category with NO REPUBLICAN ENTRY!  It doesn’t even matter who you vote for!  You can go crazy!  To that end I recommend a Vote for Jewelry Maker Nancy Lawrence.

9.  U.S. SENATOR: Barbara Boxer

Barbara Boxer has been a United States Senator since 1993, and is running for re-election.  Vote for her.
This senatorial race has been cray-cray, but not quite as cray-cray as the truly heinous highlights exhibited by both   candidates.  HAIR highlights, we mean.  The fact that either of these women made or acknowledged any comments about the other one’s hair as being “so yesterday” is beside the point.  The highlights are a problem.

and

You REALLY need to take a look at Carly Fiorina’s “demon sheep” TV ad from her Republican primary campaign (June 2010), bashing her opponent Tom Campbell, also known as the demon sheep.
Then, for even more fun, watch this parody.

10.  U.S. REPRESENTATIVE: Karen Bass

For the 33rd District, This one is easy, allbeit significantly lacking in possessed farm animals. First off, you have two choices, a Republican and a Democrat.  Here is a copy/pasted sentence from the front of the Republican dude's  website:

“Please make a financiall contribution to Andion for Congress and volunteer to help the campaign succeed.”

The overall grammatical impact of this sentence leaves me feeling like I’m grading an elementary school essay, and the spelling error is unforgivable.  He can’t even spell ‘begging’ correctly.  So, that’s easy.  Vote for Karen Bass.  For all other districts, you’re on your own.

11.  STATE SENATOR: Curren D. Price

The Republican offering is a man known as “The Surfing Rabbi.”  He is in favor of Arizona (SB 1070) style immigration “reform,” and totally opposed to Muslim extremists implementing their radical theological law in America. (??) He has been quoted on “loonwatch.com” as saying

“We’re still waiting for the Muslims to make peace with each other. They eat each other alive, like the dogs that they are...”

So, outside of not voting for him, Vote for ANYBODY BUT NACHUM SHIFREN.  WRITE IN A VOTE FOR DINGLEHOPPER DOUCHE-THISTLE FOR ALL I CARE.  Hell, go crazy, Vote for Cindy Varela Henderson.  She’s a “Telephone Technician” by day, and obvious lunatic who spends her nights hallucinating a clientele.  I sincerely doubt that anyone has had a telephone repaired in the last ten years.  Maybe that’s why she is looking to expand her career.

12. MEMBER, STATE ASSEMBLY
Check your local listings.

Judicial Appointments:
The Lull Before the Propositional Storm

On to the Judicial Appointments, about which there is nothing funny in either the Supreme or the Appeal, especially since they have not yet reacted to my letters and formed a Supremely Appealing Court, probably because it would just encourage more crime.

13.  SUPREME COURT JUSTICE (State of California)

Vote Yes for Carlos R. Moreno.
He was the ONLY dissenting opinion in the State Supreme Court’s decision to uphold Prop 8.
Vote No on Everyone R. Else.

14.  COURT OF APPEAL JUSTICE (State of California)

So basically I based my basis for Appeal Justices on whether or not I could find their names on the internet, and what I decided that information or lack thereof said about them.  If a Google or "Judgepedia" search bore no results for a candidate, NO VOTE FOR YOU!  As in, a "No" vote, not an absence of voting.  I did find this website, chooseyourjudges.org, useful.

Vote Yes ONLY for the following 3 candidates:

Robert M. Mallano
Jeffrey W. Johnson
Steven Z. Perren

Vote NO on EVERYONE ELSE.

 It is essentially atrocious that the voting public is made to cast a vote regarding judicial appointments, having no access whatsoever to information about candidates.  I mean, I'd like to vote on that guy who works the night-shift at the Sev down the street.  Now THAT would vastly increase my quality of life.

15.  JUDGE OF THE SUPERIOR COURT: Randy Hammock

This was a toughie, but I'm going with a Vote for Randy Hammock, running for Superior Court Judge in Office #28. The name implies inappropriately frisky lawn furniture which is fun, but more fun is his proclaimed current occupation of “Superior Court Referee” which A: Doesn’t sound real, and, B: if it's anything like a WWE ref, all he does is get conveniently distracted when somebody's abusing their power, and take the occasional accidental gavel to the face.  Maybe more people would watch C-Span if Jerry Lawler called play-by-plays for them.

16.  SCHOOL SUPERINTENDENT OF PUBLIC INSTRUCTION: Superman

Neither of the two gentlemen running for this office have a platform statement that says “I am friends with the Green Lantern, and he says he can totally get the U.S. to abandon it’s futilely short-sighted empire building programs and divert hundreds of billions of dollars to our educational system, allowing us to stop being the laughing stock of the educated world, allowing us to not want to keep beating them up.”

Both of them seem nice, but California has so systematically screwed itself to it’s own sticking place for so many consecutive years, it’s going to take more than a well meaning Superintendent to do much good.  Vote for Superman.

17.  COUNTY ASSESSOR:  John Y. Wong

And you thought Insurance Commissioner was boring!  The Assessor runs the office that appraises real estate and calculates property taxes! Woot woot!  All that really means is that you super-definitely want to keep politicians OUT of that office.  To the best of my assessment capacities, the closest I can get to that is John Y. Wong, for whom you should Vote.   The other guy can’t really hide his political background; he’s the Mayor of Huntington Park, so, he should probably just keep doing that.

In/Decent Propositions

Moving on to the Propositions, in no particular order.  As internet crank-rouser Joshua “Colt” Kelly has stated on his web-site (FB status), " I too would trade the entire Prop system for a half-way decently functioning State Legislature." To that end,

VOTE YES ON 25.
CHANGES LEGISLATIVE VOTE REQUIREMENT TO PASS BUDGET AND BUDGET-RELATED LEGISLATION FROM TWO-THIRDS TO A SIMPLE MAJORITY. RETAINS TWO-THIRDS VOTE REQUIREMENT FOR TAXES.

Pretty straight forward.  They still probably won’t get anything done, but they’ll get nothing done a lot faster.  The summary also contains my favorite sentence of the year:  “Legislature permanently forfeits daily salary and expenses until budget bill passes.”  Maybe we’ll start seeing some of that bi-partisan compromise I’ve been hearing so much about.

While we’re on the subject, VOTE NO ON 26.
REQUIRES THAT CERTAIN STATE AND LOCAL FEES BE APPROVED BY TWO-THIRDS VOTE. FEES INCLUDE THOSE THAT ADDRESS ADVERSE IMPACTS ON SOCIETY OR THE ENVIRONMENT CAUSED BY THE FEE-PAYER'S BUSINESS.
So, 26 would make an exception.  If you run a business that is damaging society or the environment, the State can’t levy a fine against you without a 2/3 vote, which, with our Legislature, means it will never happen.  I believe the argument in favor of 26 goes something like this: “Come ON man, it’s like, not even POSSIBLE to run a business without damaging SOMEthing! We’re just capitalists operating under an out-dated economic model and we shouldn’t be penalized for it.”
[Editor’s Digression.  I know protecting the environment will be expensive.  People will lose jobs, businesses won’t make as much money, innocents will suffer, etc.  Better they suffer towards a greater GOOD, which is the opposite of the reason for our current suffering.  There will always be suffering in the world, but there isn’t always a good reason. There could be.]

VOTE NO ON 27.
ELIMINATES STATE COMMISSION ON REDISTRICTING. CONSOLIDATES AUTHORITY FOR REDISTRICTING WITH ELECTED REPRESENTATIVES.

That sounds good!  What better way to ensure that we can never cast them out of office than to let them draw their own district lines!  I’m going to draw mine in a circle around my Mom’s house!  Remember in High School when someone turned 18 before graduation and technically they were allowed to sign their own permission slips and excuse themselves from class?  Remember how nobody really took advantage of it, but there was that one kid who always tried?  Those kids grew up to be politicians.  Sorry guys, no more Calvin Ball Rules.

VOTE YES ON 24.
REPEALS RECENT LEGISLATION THAT WOULD ALLOW BUSINESSES TO LOWER THEIR TAX LIABILITY.

Somebody made a boo-boo in favor of multi-state corporate tax loop-holes, and a “YES” vote will repeal that.  Unless you believe the opponents of this Prop, in which case a “YES” vote will cause California to spontaneously become New Jersey.  It’s the same old thing -- the people pretty much always want to impose taxes on wealthy people and large corporations so they have to pay their fare share.  Then, the corporations and the wealthy start yelling “They want to raise taxes!” and the poor/middle class goes “What? Raise taxes? No no no, I already pay too many of those” and instead of leveling the playing field, the bottom half keeps paying through the back of the knee.  Which is a tight squeeze when you’re in the foetal position.  FUCK YOU GUYS.

VOTE THE FUCK NO ON 23.
SUSPENDS IMPLEMENTATION OF AIR POLLUTION CONTROL LAW (AB 32) REQUIRING MAJOR SOURCES OF EMISSIONS TO REPORT AND REDUCE GREENHOUSE GAS EMISSIONS THAT CAUSE GLOBAL WARMING, UNTIL UNEMPLOYMENT DROPS TO 5.5 PERCENT OR LESS FOR FULL YEAR.

Saving the environment is going to be expensive, and yes, Jar Jar, innocent people will die.  Putting it off isn’t going to change that, it’s going to make it worse.  Fact.
Also:  Technically, money isn’t real. People can, actually, live without it. Fact.  We should be allowed to live without debt, and all money is debt. (There are a few cute animated shorts that will walk you through this if you care to look it up.)  It’s bullshit, and without all the positive qualities actual bullshit possesses.  Contributing editor Evan Drane says this about proponents of Prop 23:
“Oil tycoons are, by slight of hand, trying to employ us, Jon Q. Public, as their fucking lobbyists.  What's worse, they're neither paying us or flying us out to Hawai'i.”
Bottom Line: This will be a hard decision for some people: Lose my job, or give asthma to thousands of children.  What if I need my job to pay for my kids’ asthma medication? You know how a messy house makes you kind of depressed after a while?  That’s the state of our state right now.  Most people are pretty good at procrastinating, but putting off this house-cleaning is not going to make anybody feel better.

VOTE NO ON 20.
Removes elected representatives from process of establishing congressional districts and transfers that authority to recently-authorized 14-member redistricting commission comprised of Democrats, Republicans, and representatives of neither party.

So re-districting would now fall into the capable hands of...some...other ... ah, people. Great. Does it even matter anymore.

VOTE YES ON 21 .
ESTABLISHES $18 ANNUAL VEHICLE LICENSE SURCHARGE TO HELP FUND STATE PARKS AND WILDLIFE PROGRAMS. GRANTS SURCHARGED VEHICLES FREE ADMISSION TO ALL STATE PARKS.

The whole gang is moving to Indianapolis, so I don’t care what you guys pay for your cars anymore.  Your parks however, I will still visit, and I'd appreciate if you’d all contribute to maintaining them for me while I'm away.  Plus, when I go to a State Park in a local friend’s car, we won’t have to chip in for the admission fee.  Win win!

VOTE ?? ON 22. WHEN IN DOUBT, NO. SO, VOTE NO ON 22, IT'S FULL OF DOUBT.
PROHIBITS THE STATE FROM BORROWING OR TAKING FUNDS USED FOR TRANSPORTATION, REDEVELOPMENT, OR LOCAL GOVERNMENT PROJECTS AND SERVICES.

Honestly, it... I don’t even know what this means.  The proponents claim one thing, the opponents claim the exact opposite thing.  It *seems* to... RE-criminalize book-cooking and embezzling, I mean, “Borrowing” funds from one project to use on another? It also appears to be a kind of “pre-emptive strike” against corruption within the legislature, which...is...really depressing.  I swear if we passed a law that said “Don’t be an asshole” we’d have a Supreme Court Case immediately arguing that the new law infringes on people’s 1st amendment rights, and that being an asshole makes a lot of people happy, so they have a right to pursue asshole-ing.  This proposition confuses so many people, I could hardly find any opinions about it.

Number 19 on the ballot, number 1 in our hearts, VOTE YES ON 19 .
Notice the tell-tale absence of my listing this Prop’s description here.  If there’s one you know, this is it.
Seriously though folks, drug violence in Mexico has become a huge problem in recent years.  Decriminalizing marijuana won’t stop that violence; they’ll still be killing each other over cocaine and heroin, but we don’t need to heap any more death onto Mary Jane’s head.  No demand for illicit weed in Cali means no supply from Mexico, means less Shooty-Shooty Bang-Bang over who gets to sell it, because there won’t be anyone to fight with.  Also, sorry Mexico, your weed is generally pretty shitty.
[Editor’s Predictions: I guarantee, if we legalize weed, you will at first, yes, see an obvious spike in euphorically public weed use that will look a lot like me running south on Vermont through Los Feliz grabbing befuddled strangers by the shoulders and yelling “I am so high on the marijuana right now!”, kissing them on the cheeks and bell-kicking my way into House of Pies, and I will do this regardless of both my actual sobriety status or my desire to be in a House of Pies.]

Thank you, this concludes Battlecat's 2010 Voters' Guide.

Love,

Everybody,

Phil & Noelle, on behalf of Battlecat Tonic Water, the cat