Worst. Union. Ever.

I'M 30 YOU ASSHOLES.

I'm quitting my job as a California State Employee, and as such will no longer count myself among the ranks of the California State Employees Association.  Thank every god great and small who has ever existed.  I can't wait to stop getting mail from these yahoos.  Not that they're the only ones - I've already received my first life insurance enrollment form from the AARP.

Every week I get another letter:  "URGENT!  OPEN IMMEDIATELY!  TIME SENSITIVE BENEFITS!  EVERY SECOND YOU DON'T OPEN THIS LETTER COULD KILL YOU AND IS DEFINITELY COSTING YOU MONEY!"

Every week the letter is some slightly reworded version of the same thing:  "Death Insurance."  It's called "Life Insurance," but if that's really what it was, I'd be fucking rich.  This week's selection is really full of itself, calling their morbid fear-based sales pitch "Protection."  So, I'm supposed to pay them protection money.  At least they're not trying to hide it.  The end of the letter comes with a little enclosed section titled "Accident Facts."

The first fact reads, "Did you ever have a 'close call' behind the wheel?"

The second fact is, "Fortunately, things probably turned out O.K."

Thirdly, we are further edified by this fact; "But next time you might not be so lucky.  Here are some accident statistics...."

Those are not facts, those are a loosely amalgamated series of phrases that when added together become threats.

Last week it was "Accidental Death and Dismemberment," which included one of the singularly most depressing charts ever.  I tried to imagine the committee that had to discuss these numbers.

Accidental Death:  100% Coverage.

Death Within One Year as Result of Accident:  75% Coverage.

Loss of Vision and Hearing:  75% Coverage.

Loss of Both Hands and Both Feet:  100% Coverage.

Loss of One Hand and One Foot:  50% Coverage.

Loss of Thumb and Index Finger of One Hand:  25% Coverage.

Loss of Vision and One Thumb and Half a Foot and Loss of Appetite:  40% Coverage

Etc.

The week before that it was CANCER.  "You know you have insurance through your employer, but you may not know this:  IT FUCKING BLOWS SUCK BALLS.  Did you know when you get CANCER your current insurance won't even acknowledge your existence?  Don't have a freak out, just sign this thing and we'll take another 12 bucks out of your paycheck automatically, and then WHEN YOU GET CANCER BECAUSE YOU WILL BECAUSE EVERYONE DOES, we'll totally let your relatives know where they can go watch you die."

One of the Death Insurance letters starts out rather curiously:

Dear Member,

           This is cause for celebration!

Really?!  Great.  There was an insert in this one that advertises something known as an "Acclereated Death Benefit."  It advises you to seek the advice of tax counsel for cashing in, and you definitely can't apply for it, kill yourself, and expect your family to get paid.  No way, sir.  No way.  I feel like whoever wrote the copy for this probably tried anyway.

I will feel so much healthier when I stop getting scare-tactic letters from these fucking cash-vacuums (a.k.a. The affiliates of the California State University Employees Union).